I Married Mr. Potato Head

So I get a call from my dear hubby this morning telling me his head is swollen.
“What do you mean ‘swollen’?”

“The whole top of my head is swollen. I have an indentation all the way around my head from my hat.”

So I’m thinking, “Take your hat off.”
But being the concerned wife that I am, I say, “So, what do you want me to do about it?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to let you know.”

Great, honey. Thanks for the update.

Let me back up a bit. Over the 4th of July weekend, we spent a considerable amount of time in the sun. We swam in Lake Erie, we attended the local holiday festival, and swam in my sister-in-law’s pool for about 5 hours.

Oh, and did I mention that we’re in the middle of a monstrous heat wave? We’re talking 105 degrees in the sun (according to my handy-dandy weather station which, by the way, always registers about 10 degrees hotter on our patio where the sensor is than anything Dick Goddard ever reports.)

We applied and reapplied sunscreen just like you’re supposed to do. However, as I slathered up the kids for the umpteenth time with the waterproof 50+ stuff, dear hubby thought he could get by with a mere 15-block sports version, you know, because he’s a guy.

Anyway, by the time we were finished swimming, he was literally fried – front, back, top – except for his belly-button which looked like a marshmallow in the middle of a strawberry sundae. I don’t think I’ve ever seen that shade of red before.

I sprayed him down with Lanacaine and told him he would be fine, just like I tell the kids after I put a band-aid on their boo-boo. Men can be such babies, can’t they?

OK, back to the Elephant Man…er, I mean, my dear husband…

He wears a baseball cap everyday, so the top of his head has only been exposed to direct sunlight maybe five times in the 14 years we’ve been together. We’re talking fresh meat.

So when I get the call about his expanding noggin, I’m thinking it’s a reaction to the sunburn. Again, what was I supposed to do about it? I told him to go to the UrgiCare and have it checked out if he really thought there was something wrong.

So a little while later I get another call that the swelling is going down. Super, crisis averted.

But wait, there’s more….

So later he calls to say that a guy at work said he should have it checked out because it might be from a bug bite. (Because the guys at work know everything.) Again, I tell him to go have it checked out.

I don’t mean to sound unsympathetic, but I just don’t know what I was supposed to do from home. Should I have loaded up the kids and driven to his job to look at his head only to say, “Yep, it’s swollen”?

I should add that our niece was recently bitten by a brown recluse spider. She didn’t realize it until a couple of day later when her arm became swollen and red. Turns out she got to the emergency room just in time before it got into her bloodstream. So I was a little concerned that he may have been bitten by something.

Anyway, he went to the UrgiCare where he sat for two and a half hours before finally being seen by the doctor (an elderly, balding, Indian woman who apparently didn’t speak very good English). So she spent five minutes with him and gave him a prescription for antibiotics.

Can’t wait for the bill for that visit.

I’m a little scared to go to bed tonight. I’m not sure what I’m going to wake up next to.